07 February 2006

My Heinie Burped

Warning: childish post following.

This is the first year I have taught freshmen in about six years. The experience reminded me of a near universal truth:

Freshmen boys stink.

I know what you are thinking: Big deal. That's like discovering that freshmen girls are shallow. In my last five years of teaching I have heard only one instance of audible flatulence. The student denied it with the passion of an Iranian president denying the holocaust. In the last semester I have had two freshmen commit the heinous crime. The suprising thing about the incidents was the lack of shame. There was a refreshing pride in the achievement.

Boys on protein shakes stink. The advent of our football program has, naturally, led to an emphasis on muscle bulk. Enter protein shakes. Exit methane in large enough quantities to put a thousand cattle on a thousand hills to shame. Again, the pride. I have had to rearrange my seating chart to accomodate the problems.

While no education class that I have heard of has ever addressed this problem, this is the one classroom problem for which my college experience fully prepared me.

My son calls them heinie burps.

I promise to elevate my posts to their normally high standards of adult discussion tomorrow.


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