An investigation by the ATF has uncovered serious allegations of misbehavior by the Editor of Ohoopee Online, Splitcat Chintzibobs. Agent Nobadaddie of the Atlanta office of the ATF explained the shocking charges, “We have credible evidence that Mr. Chintzibobs has begun to drink Diet Coke with Splenda.”
Evidence compiled so far includes a large pilof empty Diet Coke with Splenda cans found concealed above the ceiling tiles in the offices of the Ohoopee. The tiles are directly above the workstation of Chinztibobs. Also, investigators discovered a stash of Diet Coke found in the company refrigerator under a large plastic container of leftovers labeled “TaterTot Extravaganza—do not touch”. Handwriting analysis of the writing on the container shows the writing to be consistent with Chintzibobs’. The reputed stash of Diet Coke has an estimated street value of $2.99. In addition he has been recorded on security cameras making an illicit deal for what investigators call a “Dime Case” with a mysterious dealer named “Mr. Kroger”. Agent Nobadaddie remarked, “It is hard to come to any other conclusion than that Mr. Chintzibobs has become a Diet Coke head.
If the allegations prove true, Chintzibobs could have trouble reconciling his past statements on Diet Coke. In 1995 Chintzibobs stated unequivocally his opposition to all diet soda products, “I unequivocally state that I am opposed to all diet soda products.” He has also been reported to say, “Diet Coke is disgusting. It is both nasty as a drink and morally repugnant.” His 1989 red Ford Escorts sports a bumper sticker that claims, “They can have my real Coke when they can pry if from my cold, dead fingers.”
A source inside the investigation claims that Chintzibobs has confessed, though investigators refuse to confirm or deny any confession. According to the source, Chintzibobs said, “I never thought I would be one of them, you know, those addicted to Diet Coke. I used to hate and pity them. They would drink six, seven, ten Diet Cokes a day and supersize their value meals. They claimed they couldn’t even stand the taste of real Coke anymore. I could never let myself fall so far…that’s why I still make sure to drink at least one real Coke a week; you know, so I won’t forget.”
Asked by investigators about how he first became a Diet Coke head Chinztibobs reportedly explained, “Well, Buchasa had been on me to try it. She said it would help me lose weight. I thought I could control the Diet Coke. I just took the first sip…it was like there was a fire on my tongue and the aftertaste…it sticks with you for hours…the first can was the hardest. It was, like I always expected, disgusting, but I knew that if I just kept going that I would get used to it. The next thing I knew I was on the floor, surrounded by the remains of an empty twelve-pack. Now, oh dear Lord forgive me, I almost like them. You have what you wanted now? You happy now? Gimme what you promised! You said I could have one! Come on, I need it. I’m going crazy here. There’s bugs…bugs crawling all over me…I need it!” Our source refused to reveal what happened after this point in the interview, as it was too gruesome to repeat.
It remains to be seen what will happen to Chintzibobs if these allegations prove true. Most doubt his ability to continue to lead Ohoopee Online with a serious Diet Coke problem. Of course, most doubt his ability to lead Ohoopee Online without a serious Diet Coke problem.
2 comments:
Hmmm.
Diet Coke I can forgive. But Kroger? Come on.
Kroger is cheap. They have better quality store brands that Publix (I think). Sure, I had to bag all $140 worth of my groceries last time I was there, and we can never buy lunch meat because there is never anyone at the counter, but they send me coupons for $15.00 off a $100.00 order. For that kind of money I will bag my own for goodness sake!
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