The South African Research Symposium on Genetic Research just issued the following press release. Major media probably won’t pick it up so I thought I would pass it along. This is the kind of story you will only see in The Ohoopee Letter News.
Fated to Fat?
Scientists at the South African Research Symposium on Genetic Research (SARSYGR) have announced a major breakthrough in deciphering the human genome. According to a paper published by the Symposium at their annual meeting entitled “Survival of the Fattest: Evolutionary Adaptations Favoring Subcutaneous Fatty Deposits in Early Modern Man”, the development of extraneous fat in the male abdomen, commonly known as a “beer belly” or “gut”, is actually a byproduct of eons of evolutionary adaptation.
Researchers have concluded that not only was the possession of a beer belly a demonstrable advantage, but also that it appears that attempts of the modern human male to avoid the appearance of a beer belly goes against ingrained instinct and genetic programming. “It is like trying not to grow an arm,” claimed Dr. Don Tessist, the head of the Symposium, “The modern gut of the human male is actually a sign of competitive success and we would be much better off if we were to simply embrace it. The fatuous modern day insistence on male thinness must be cast off in light of our findings.”
Dr. Paddy Nobadaddie, the group’s spokesman, explained the process by which the group reached this conclusion. “Actually, we started at the present. How can we explain the sudden onset of male belly fat in the human male? How could this be an advantage? Is it a mutation? It appeared to many of us that it had to be a residue of millions of years of genetic adaptation. In other words, at some point there must have been a marked advantage for those males who exhibited significant belly fat.” Symposium scientists compiled information on historical records of and pre-historical suppositions on “the belly factor” in reaching their conclusions. Their findings represent fourteen years of work by a scientific staff over 140.
“The first thing that struck us was the recent, say pre-1900, belief that a male or female was not attractive if they were too thin. Indeed, thinness was associated with illness or poverty. Until recently then, what we would consider extra fat today actually indicated an attractive mate.” Dr. Nobaddaddie went on to explain that further historical research indicated a strong survival component of male belly fat. “We think that a pronounced belly was a significant advantage in survival situations. For example, long-distance backpackers actually try to gain weight before a long trek. That extra weight is utilized by the body as an energy reserve, eventually melting away through constant effort. In this sense, the beer gut is serving much like a camel’s hump. Early man was nomadic, and sources of calories were scarce. There is no doubt that a male who was able to bring along a ‘spare tire’ during a long distance race was at a significant advantage to one who could not.” SARSYGR also argues that extra male fat serves as an insulator, a property quite necessary to survival during an ice age and pre-historic winters.
Dr. Nobaddadie and the scientists at SARSYGR don’t stop at explaining the survival advantages of the beer belly, however. They also argue that male belly fat was important in combat situations. “Given the nature of pre-historic combat, striking with stones, clubs, or pointed sticks, one cannot avoid the conclusion that fat was fitter. The way we see it, there were at least three advantages to male belly fat in combat: One, a thick layer of fat served as a vital layer of natural armor over the vital organs. Two, a fat man will move into combat slower, not only giving him time to think out his next move, but most likely getting him to the battle after the initial, and most dangerous, collision of forces. Third, and this is the most controversial point, it is supposed that in the heat of battle a male figure with a big gut might appear in the enemies’ peripheral vision to be a pregnant female. This would activate the male protective instinct. While no warrior would be fooled more than an instant, that instant of hesitation might very well prove fatal.” All of these factors together made a fat-enabled combatant significantly more likely to survive a battle. “Only a survivor can pass on his genes,” continued Dr. Nobaddadie, “And in those genes, we see a predisposition to male belly fat.”
SARSYGR also consulted with linguists from around the world for evidence of the belly factor. They found two things of interest to SARSYGR’s theory. First, they discovered that the modern word “father” actually descends from the Indo-European language group. The oldest traceable stem is an ancient Sanskrit word, “fath-ur”. The word is at least four thousand years old and translates as “he who is fat”. This stem has been passed down to the majority of modern day languages in some form. The second major linguistic link came from the expression, “He’s got a lot of guts.” In tracing the origin of this phrase, etymologists discovered that the expression has an analogous saying in nearly every other language group and can be traced back to the Greeks and Romans (who thought that emotion came from the guts), and virtually every ancient civilization with a written language. Dr. Nobadaddie explained the significance of the finding, “The gut has a tremendous place in our shared memory and that place has been consistently and continually made manifest in our languages.”
Dr. Tessist summed up the group’s findings by stating, “The evidence is quite clear to us at SYRSYGR; the survival advantages of the male gut were enormous. A male with a prominent display of belly fat would certainly have attracted the most fertile females. His belly fat served to broadcast his success in finding food, his durability in combat, and his endurance on the move. He literally had the guts to survive and to provide for a mate and their progeny. There is no reason why the male gut should not continue to be a marker of success in the modern world. Indeed, at the rate the species is progressing, our geneticists predict that our next great evolutionary step is just around the corner…Homo Humungous.”
--End of Story
I don't know what to say. If this is true, this could be a glorious Independence Day, as men across America return to their genetic roots by putting down a few Buds while grilling over an open flame.
Peace and have a glorious Independence Day
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