The first thing I remember wanting to be was an astronaut. I desperately wanted to fly, land on other worlds, and live a life of adventure. My evil eldest brother typed a prank letter to me from the Lego Space Academy, informing me that I had been accepted and only had to send in my $1,000,000 application fee (my brother went on to a long and successful career with a Nigerian bank). The thrilling hope that rose within me and the combination of my two greatest loves (space and Lego) fell back to earth quicker than a Soviet space capsule as everyone was very fast (and gleeful I think) to point out that you had to be a pilot to be an astronaut and that pilots can't wear glasses (I wore them young). I moved on to other dreams.
Some questioned whether any brother would be so cruel as to play with a younger brother's desperate dreams to such an extent as to actually compose an elaborate prank letter on a tricky old manual typewriter. The manipulation of a child's two great loves was judged to be either the result of a deeply twisted but brilliant mind, or a complete fabrication similar to the Dan Rather/60 Minutes story. It was posited that the Ohoopee was attempting to smear the reputation of a man whose only failing was a high school PE class in disco dancing. Granted, TOLN has been caught in few minor fabrications and exaggerations in the past, but the editors stood by this story and promised that the full truth would one day be revealed. Today is that day.
This past weekend, TOLN researchers uncovered the original document in the extensive Ohoopee archives while looking for items to include in the semi-millennial yard sale benefiting Truth in Media. Experts in Lego-fraudulance have confirmed its authenticity. The editors ask our readers to be the judge (click image for close-up):
Mr. Splitcat Chintzibobs was an innocent 10 years old when he received this letter from "Raymond V. Frethchild". He has never quite recovered from the pain of discovering that Raymond V. Frethchild, the Lego Space Academy, and the Polish Aeronautic Space Association never existed; he occasionally Googles "Raymond V. Fretchild" in hopes that one day his twenty-two three page applications will be finally received and processed. Until that day, he religiously does three push-ups every night to stay in top physical shape, just in case.
Peace
2 comments:
No kerning or proportional spacing. It appears authentic, or, at least, to be a better forgery than Mr. Rather's "fake but accurate" memos.
Mr. Chintzibobs,
I happened to come across this posting after conducting a Google search of my name. Prior to my retirement in 1994; I was head of Astronaut Recruiting for the Lego Space Academy. I was a bit taken aback by your posting; I remember the letter you sent to me like it was yesterday. I was excited by your interest in the Lego Space Program; it was not often a person of your caliber applied for our space program. We always seemed to be the red headed step child to NASA. I am sorry you felt my letter was a vicious prank, however; I assure you it was legitimate. I anxiously awaited your application and deposit; checking my inbox daily. I worried night and day; hoping your application would arrive. I have to apologize to you as I lost your contact information in a tragic training accident resuting in a horrific explosion that destroyed my cubicle and I was unable to send you our followup package of Junior Astronaut Training Material. You would have then known; we were legitimate. Alas, the world will never know what a great astronaut you may have been; I believe you could have been the best of the best. Best of luck to you with the addition to your family.
Sincerly,
Raymond V. Frethchild
PS: The Polish Space Program does not require its Astronauts to be in perfect vision. In fact, we developed prescription lens for their helmets!
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